Thursday, March 3, 2016

begin again.

i started this blog years ago with absolutely no vision in terms of what i wanted it to be.
to be honest, i never expected anyone other than my mother to read it.
yet, slowly and surely it became a part of my identity for so many people.
i'll never forget the first time i received an email from someone that started with, 
"you don't know me, but i read your blog and..."
nor, on the flip side, the time i had a reader set up a twitter account just to figure out 
a way to get in contact with me so he could ask me out on a date.
{may more men find the kind of courage that one did...} 

needless to say i've encountered the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the pleasantly surprising, 
the flat out bizarre and everything in between since throwing my life on the pages of this screen.
but the idea of allowing a mass of strangers into my world, without actually knowing me
has always been a strange concept to me.
it's the one i've always struggled with the most in blogging, 
likely because it's the concept i struggle most with in the general category of life:

anytime, anyone posts anything on the internet or social media, 
they are making a very conscious decision to allow that post to represent a 
portion of who they are as a person.
{don't let them convince you of anything different.}
when you put yourself out there, you have to be ready for whatever comes back.
and as someone who has always been insanely private by nature, 
the idea of posting my innermost thoughts for the entire world to potentially read 
became more and more of an idea i was no longer interested in.
so at the end of last year i made the distinct decision to quit.
right before my 29th birthday, without any bells nor whistles, 
i posted what was perhaps my most vulnerable post of all, 
put down the laptop and called it the end of my era here in this space.

however, a funny thing happened while i was laying on the beach of an island this past week.
i received a text from a someone i don't know very well, 
telling me they had just spent an hour and a half of their life reading my old blog posts 
and relating so personally to everything i had written, hoping i would start writing again.

and i was reminded of the vision i created for this space so long ago, 
although it was hardly the one i started with.
a place where i could pour the parts of my life i didn't mind sharing with the public and have people relate.
a small glimpse in saying,
 "hey, you're not alone in the fact that you might have flashed an entire crowd unintentionally 
when the wind blew your skirt up" or 
"hey, you live through breaking up with someone on valentine's day" or 
"hey, i'm obsessed with scandal, too, so we are practically soul-sistahs, here".
i don't know what it is about the comfort we find in connecting to people who go through 
the same ups and downs as us,
but i do know i found it, at times, here with you.

now, i'm never going to say writing is necessarily my gift,
but i will say it's something i paid good tuition money to figure it out.
and so i am back.
to share this crazy ride and take y'all along.
in hopes that maybe something i do or say can positively change you along your way.