Friday, November 20, 2015

i would tell her yes.

exactly 1,425 days ago this picture was taken.
{that's 4 years plus 1 great day, you're welcome}
my two best friends came to my parents' house and kidnapped me for a birthday trip to vegas.
we stayed at paris {my long time dream}, ate fancy chinese {my favorite cuisine}, got lots of free alcohol gifted to us by strangers {perfect prezzie for the girl that doesn't drink}, and danced to our hearts content.
and if it looks like i am mustering every ounce of my spirit to smile, it's because i was.
i was obliterated on the inside.
they say a picture is worth a thousand words, but the memories and feelings you have when looking at that moment forever frozen in time might be worth a million.
but if i could go back those 1,425 days and sit down with this girl, whose heart was broken and soul was beaten and mind wondered if the constant feeling of disappointment would ever go away,
i would tell her...

that pit you have at the bottom of your stomach that seems to be a newly permanent ache in your life disappears.
the gift of time becomes your kindest ally.
you stop waking up in the middle of the night wishing it was all a bad dream.
and you eventually don't need your mom to sit by your bed and hold your hand as you fall asleep.
and as with most heartbreak it leaves a scar.
the good news is it only takes a few months into the next 1,425 days for you to realize he wasn't what you wanted.
in fact, you thank God atleast once a week for not answering that prayer.

the two people sitting with you in that photo never leave your side.
over the next few years there will be ups and there will be downs,
that is part of loving anyone and allowing anyone to love you back,
but they are your constants.
new friends will come and old friends will go,
these two are your soulmates, so treat them well and be grateful you have two people in your life who care about you enough to have peeled you up off your floor 24 hours before this photo was taken and who put you in the car and forced you to celebrate your birthday.
that's selfless love.
some people in this world don't even have one person who would do that,
you have two.

over the next 4 years you will win some and lose some more.
don't try and protect yourself from it.
closing yourself off to the world guarantees you won't get hurt,
but the price people pay for doing so is far greater than the feeling of a shattered heart.
so be open, be vulnerable, let it all gut you and then build you back up.
because life is a messy gift.
and that's not a result of doing anything wrong, but rather in doing things right.
it's not supposed to be something you can tie up in a pretty bow and show off to people.
let go.
be kinder to yourself and more patient in your faults.
push your comfort zone to the point where it all becomes uncomfortable.
perfection isn't meant to be the goal,
the goal is a life well ventured and lived.
and sometimes finding the balance comes from losing it.
{thank you elizabeth gilbert}

i would tell her yes,
you, all on your own, right now as you are, broken but determined, are already enough.
and perhaps that's the greatest thing you learn over the next 1,425 days.

happy birthday dear girl,
see ya in 4 years.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

sweet november.

{wild - cheryl strayed}

growing up, novembers were always my favorite.
every year they brought a birthday and turkey and gratitude and the lingering of halloween with a hint of christmas to come.

but then life happens,
and so november comes with everything above still,
but now always with a trace of the past.
and while it's a past i no longer wish had been my future,
{thank gracious for those unanswered prayers}
there is still that faint sting.
mostly that the girl i was, blissfully trusting and naive,
will never be me again.

i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss that girl sometimes,
the one who welcomed people in without questioning ulterior motives 
and looked at love through rose colored glasses.
she always believed it was just around the corner.
and for a minute...she believed she had found it.

but there is something that comes along with heartbreak.
because after the part that just about kills you,
comes the part where you have a choice to let it build you up again.
not as the person you once were, 
but as the person you decide you are going to be. 
braver and stronger and kinder and, one day, full of hope again.

so welcome, sweet november.
it took me a while to get here,
but i think we can finally be friends.