Thursday, July 17, 2014

{me & dating} the imperfect pair.

it's a side of life i have rarely allowed myself to be open to for so so many reasons.
the specifics of which i am not about to throw all over the internet.
but i will say this: 
the more i open myself up to the possibility of making my life an effort in doubles tennis, 
the more i realize i don't want the fairy tale anymore.
i want what is just beyond that.
the reality of it all.
which requires much more than allowing yourself to simply be swept up off your feet.

i recently discovered the brilliant mft shelly bullard.
other than wanting to become her bff for life simply because i feel like she probably would understand my soul to its deepest core, i found an article she wrote a couple of years back about relationships.
any sort of relationship could actually suffice, not just those of my dating dramatics.
in this specific article she tackled the idea of fear keeping us from really getting what we want.
which if you have ever tried talking relationships with me you can almost reach out and physically touch the wall of fear i project.

as a self-diagnosed control freak i have a problem letting things/people in my life get truly close to me, because it leaves room for the possibility of the unplanned.
and as a party planner, there is no detail i don't go over 10 times before presenting it to the world.
i make a living over-thinking and over-controling evvverryyyythingggg.
and there you have my problem.
when something {or someone} comes into my life and i have no control over their effect on my world, i run. fast.
oh so very, very fast.
it's one of the many reasons i entered this experiment as probably the happiest 27 year old, mormon, single girl you will ever find.
my world was my kind of perfect. 
{actually nowhere near perfection, but you get the point.}
everything was in place the way i had placed it.
which is great and all, until you realize you want something more.
you realize you want the unpredictable because therein lies the unimaginable.
and with the unimaginable lies the magic in life.

but getting to that point requires conquering fears, 
many of which i refused to ever crack the "perfection" of my world over.
am i enough?
pretty enough? smart enough? nice enough? patient enough? kind enough? fun enough? challenging enough? skinny enough? imaginative enough? caring enough?
alllll the enoughs that if you spend enough time mulling over, 
you end up with enough doubt to talk yourself right out of the situation all together

i was recently told that i am hard to read.
oh holy, was this news to me!
here i thought i had spent the last 6 weeks being nothing but absolutely easy to read.
i thought i had put everything out on the line.
i thought i had been open.
but in staring at myself in that mirror and having someone else point out my actions,
i came to realize i am a lot of my own problem.
my fear of being vulnerable doesn't let anyone get nearly close enough to me for an us to ever succeed.
my fear of being left almost always guarantees i am left because the real me is never present.
and my fear of something bad happening keeps me from all the good that can happen as well.

so here i am.
at the beginning
and it's a very messy version of myself that i have never been confident enough to tackle before.
i'm ready to jump into the pool and try to get to the other side of fear and doubt and the possibility of failure. 
all those enoughs.
and the more i try, the more unsure i become if we ever truly make it to the other side without letting that other person jump in with us.
not to fix you, because you have to fix yourself in this world.
but to help you.
i'm beginning to believe help is okay after all.

so here's to a summer of like and love and everything in between.
you can always be enough.
i guess that's really the point of all this.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

yep, that's me.

oh hey it's me.
i'm alive! 
and well.
hope you are too.
more life details to come when i am not running around like a mad woman.
happy july.
the girl who likes to complicate all the processes