Tuesday, September 10, 2013

girls.

 
you may not watch the show sex and the city 
{it's my lifeline, but i totally understand not everyone's cup of tea}
but you probably know the framework of 4 best friends living and loving in nyc.
while one of the friends, charlotte, the park avenue princess born to be mother of the year, discovers she can't get pregnant, simultaneously another of the friends, miranda, your quintessential midtown, hard hitting, no excuses lawyer discovers by an accidental trist with her ex, she is pregnant.
miranda initially doesn't want the baby.
charlotte can't understand how she could be so selfish.
and thus begins the underlying thoughts of one of the biggest causes of inadequacy or superiority among women...
the i have children/i do not have children issue.

i am a 26 year old woman madly in love with the life she has created.
i have a family i can laugh with and trust, a gaggle of girlfriends and boy-friends who i sometimes stand back in awe of the fact that they chose me to ride along on this crazy journey with them.
i have an incredible job.
i have things in my life that a girl can sometimes only dream of calling her own.
i have traveled the world and loved truly and have met both oprah & katy perry, clearly very important.
i have a great life.
but never at anytime have i ever felt my singledom gave me rights of superiority among my friends who chose a different path.
everyone chooses what is best for them in their own good time.
have i had the chance to go about things differently?
yes.
but never has it been enough to go completely with...yet.
i admire these friends' worlds.
they are women who are strong enough to raise the future leaders and difference makers right now in their lives.
truth be told, there are times when i envy them.
because to the common eye i might have it all, 
but i would give it all up for that little bit more.
i would do it in a heartbeat.

which is why, although i am hardly one to be easily offended, 
the one thing i absolutely have no barrier against in terms of my feelings and hurt is the children factor.
a little while back i had a conversation with a friend.
a good friend.
a friend whom i love and adore and who i respect immensely.
which in my opinion, is the very best kind of friend.
the conversation was completely normal until a suggestion of mine lead to this friend suddenly feeling the need to belittle my earnest opinion. 
{totally fine, not everyone thinks the way i think}
but she did so on the foundation that because i am not a mother,
i couldn't possibly understand.
{true to an extent} 
and therefore my opinion was utterly wrong.
now whether it was this friend's intention or not, i can assure you: 
the statement stung me to my very core.
it was all i could do to very politely excuse myself from the conversation before my tears started.
tears of frustration and tears that brought up ideas and thoughts of inadequacy i have spent years trying to push through.
i welcome respectful disagreement.
i create the details of my life based on others opinions that are different than my own.
what i refuse to accept are the instances in which people believe my opinion to be a lesser one than theirs simply because i don't live in their same circumstance.
why does one of us have to be on a pedestal and one of us flat on the ground?

as women we like to compare.
for some reason it seems all too common to get a high off an ill realization that you are better than her.
we can be quite vicious to each other.
sometimes with intent and sometimes without.
this is my instance.
while yours might be the same, it might be different.
it happens to us all.
the working mom thinks the stay at home mom is lazy.
the stay at home mom thinks the working mom is unfeeling.
the chubby girl thinks the thin girl is anorexic.
the thin girl thinks the chubby girl can't take care of herself.
the single girl thinks the married girl to be silly.
the married girl thinks the single girl to be selfish.
but at what point on our paths did we switch the need to be understanding for this need to be right?
why can't the choices we make be our own and the unique viewpoints that coincide appreciated?
we cast stones at others glass houses based on our own personal principles.
but no one person is the same.
and usually opinions follow suit.

in every way that friend was quite literally right.
i am NOT a mother.
i do not share that viewpoint in life, as much as i hope for it.
but this doesn't make me stupid.
and this doesn't make me silly.
and i'll be damned if that makes me any less of an accomplished person.

xoxo.

{photo via pinterest}

3 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry someone made you feel this way! You are amazing! I wrote a post on my blog recently about what we as women do to each other in the whole comparison game. I wish we didn't. I do, but I'm trying to be better. And just wait. Once you have a kid, moms who have multiple kids will somehow make you feel inadequate because you don't have more littles to take care of. There's always something, real or imagined, that can make us feel like we're less. I have to make sure I'm trying to be the best me I can be, and the world be damned. I'm not always very good at this, but I try. I so appreciate your wise words on this subject!

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  2. Great words and great comment above. I also had a post similar to this. NO matter what I do there will always be those people who see me as less than them. Way to be strong and awesome and call it out.

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  3. Jessica, I love this post! (I'm Alisha, your old roommate Alianne's best friend!) I completely agree. I'm sorry someone made you feel badly just because their life is different than yours. I can relate on some levels- we've been married 10 years but don't have children yet (as much as we want them). But as a 30-year-old woman who has been married for ten years and has faced many challenges in my life, I don't appreciate being treated as though I'm not as mature or knowledgeable just because I'm not a mother.

    And of course, I know that I won't completely understand and experience motherhood until I have a child of my own, but it still irks me. So I can relate!

    You are a beautiful, strong and independent woman. Life never works out as we've planned it, it's true. I want to be a mother. SO MUCH. And it sounds like you would love a family of your own. Our dreams haven't come true yet, but we can make the most of our situations (and sometimes cry and kick things, because let's face it, it sucks!). I see you doing just that. Bravo!

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