Friday, August 24, 2012

you couldn't be that man i adored.

heartbreak.
such a peculiar concept because of all the different ways a heart can be broken by the world, the people in it and life in general. it happens in a single moment or lingers for weeks, sometimes years until you have finally had all you can take and the situation snaps.
it happens over love, friendship, hopes for your future and feelings of your past.
it's hardly planned and not easily dismissed.
yet, on the flip side you grow immensely, if you open yourself up enough to feel everything hurty and tender until you change just a bit...for better or worse.
sometimes heartbreak comes with forgiveness and sometimes it simply comes with an opportunity to move on.

i have experienced a lot of heartbreak 
in my short time of loving life.
some over friendships that came to a close.
some over things i hoped for that were never meant to be.
and many over the opposite sex. {duh}
funny enough, only two have left me literally incapable of being a functional human being for days at a time.
one: when i wasn't accepted into the london study abroad program and
two: the great heartbreak of 2012, no more details needed.

at one point this year, 
i found myself swimming in the pool again.
a whole new kind of heartbreak.
it happened like most do.
same game, different players.
i can pin the foundation of my faults in the situation 
on insecurity.
i have no problem handing myself that red card.
not insecurity in myself, but rather in trying so hard to push something that both of us knew, deep down, was never going to work. while it was what it was it was fun and fancy and passionate and a bit naive.
i'm an idealist and a romantic and i'll be damned if i don't try.
even if by the end i am left holding onto nothing 
but me and my ideals.
i wanted it so bad i almost made myself believe it was right.

nevertheless, it ended.
as we both knew it always would. and it hurt.
we never had anything too serious, 
so the hurt was fleeting at the time.
little did i know the break would come a while later when, by the luck of fate and common friends, we ended up sitting across the dinner table from each other one night.
two people with a common past linked by meals and drinks and texts and laughter and time and kisses and disagreements and nights of shared confidentialites.
the break came in the instant of realizing the someone sitting across from me at the table was now a stranger in that moment and forever forward.
i will never know if he was trying to be someone he wasn't with me or just on that night at dinner, 
but the answer is only one or the other.
i fell for this kind, genuine, confident, thoughtful, wickedly funny gentleman.
instead i was sitting across from an 
unsure, cocky, nervous, boy.

in that moment, the faults of our time together made sense.
our problems seemed to be more fitting of the person sitting in front of me rather than the person i fell for.
in a way i was relieved, because i had been so confused at how mismatched the puzzle pieces ended up.
and in another way it was the final break.
because i realized the person i wanted so badly at one point no longer existed.
after that night i felt how i had so many times in the past.
even though the relationship was long gone, the feelings were finally sorted and fresh.
i mourned what was, what never was, what was supposed to be and the reality of what would have been.

and i still don't know which is worse?
mourning someone who was brave enough 
to let you see the real them?
or mourning someone who fooled you into 
believing they were who you wanted?
my only answer to heartbreak is that life is funny and fantastic and an often bumpy ride.
but it can be oh so fun if you let it.
and there is always room in your heart for another.

oh yes, and karma is a bitch.
xoxo. 

2 comments:

  1. so well said. the hardest part for me is always letting go of the dreams i had of "us," because they were always really beautiful dreams. but sometimes it's letting go so beautiful-er ones can be made. this post helped me break a little more for me, understand a little more, let go a little more. thumbs up on love. and yeah, that dang karma.

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  2. Maybe we're twins? Love you girl.

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