Thursday, August 9, 2012

let it go.

i have this terribly addictive habit of going through my daybook every so often,
{meaning like everyday}
and looking back at previous months to see what i was doing a month ago today, 5 months ago today, etc.
i do it because i'm a sucker for progress.
and to retain happy feelings of my past.
look back at all the lovely events
and happenings i get to call mine.
but every once in a while i come across a date that holds a moment or thousands of moments strung together...
and it hurts.
a date that holds a memory with someone that was never supposed to go.

letting go.
not a strength of mine.
and yet, i have led a life in which i am here and there and everywhere and inevitably, with that kind of a pace, sometimes people just drift out.
misconceptions, misunderstandings, time, miles, events...all are catalists to creating drifts in friendships, relationships, acquaintances...
yes, there are the exceptions.
relationships that withstand the test of time.
i suppose those are the ones you marry or call a best friend.
but what about those you don't?
it doesn't mean there was any less love or happiness between the two people, it just didn't work, for one of the reasons above, or possibly another.
how do you let go?
do you have to?

personally, i find that i am comfy making life as hard as possible for myself and therefore i have to let go in order to move on. {slight sarcasm noted}
the problem is, as previously stated,
i am just so bad at it guys!
my gf truthfully pinned it right on the head the other day, 
you are a glutten for punishment jess.
 and i am.

when something goes awry,
i go over it and over it in my head.
and despite the fact that we live in a world that constantly moves forward, all i can do sometimes is look back.
flip through that daybook at everything that once was until i'm sick.

but then, through some great miracle beyond anything i can comprehend, it passes.
and it doesn't hurt anymore.
and when you see a picture of you and that friend,
or come across a date that was special for you and that love,
it's a memory of a blessing from the past.
rather than a reminder of loss for the future.
and until that moment actually comes,
you just fight like hell for the hope you need to keep going.

1 comment:

  1. You are brilliant, and someday someone will stay. The others, well they missed out. And you know me, I believe in Karma. I count on it.